After a weekend of crying and feeling guilty, I woke up this morning with what I believe are stress-induced hives on my neck. Part of me thinks I deserve them. I should have done more for my cat. I should have taken her straight to the university vet once her jaw locked in January. If I had been more assertive rather than listening to my vet, perhaps something could have been done to help her. Intellectually I recognize that none of that thinking is helpful now that she is gone but it's impossible to stop those thoughts from crowding my brain, especially when I'm at home and every inch of the place reminds me of her. She trusted me to take care of her and I failed.

I've begun looking for a weekend job just to stay away from home as much as possible. Watering flowers at a greenhouse, maybe.

I went out with coworkers on Friday night and threw away $30 on pull tabs. I've been regretting it ever since. I'm glad I skipped the second bar stop and went home instead, though.

The 6% interest rate on my student loan is prompting me to get rid of it as soon as possible. It's amazing, watching the balance tick up every day, even with a relatively low starting balance. With that in mind, I'm not sure I'll return to grad school unless I can pay for it outright.

First and foremost, has anyone heard from Thrift-o-rama? I wish I knew her real name but I don't. As much as I hate Facebook, I'm glad I have added a few people from here on there. Nice to be able to keep track of each other, especially if people (like me) stop posting for years.

My boss had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away for months and no doctor could figure it out. The similarities between her issues and my cat's health were something we commiserated about all winter. We now know that both of them had cancer. My boss has been breast cancer-free for several years but it metastasized to her skull. She had the spot removed yesterday and treatment plans will soon follow. It was not a simple surgery.

Superstition has me thinking bad things come in threes, and two of those three so far have been cancer in the head.

I was awake last night from 2am-4am thinking about all of this, missing my cat, crying. Heading into another weekend of being at home without her. At least the weather will be nice.