After a weekend of crying and feeling guilty, I woke up this morning with what I believe are stress-induced hives on my neck. Part of me thinks I deserve them. I should have done more for my cat. I should have taken her straight to the university vet once her jaw locked in January. If I had been more assertive rather than listening to my vet, perhaps something could have been done to help her. Intellectually I recognize that none of that thinking is helpful now that she is gone but it's impossible to stop those thoughts from crowding my brain, especially when I'm at home and every inch of the place reminds me of her. She trusted me to take care of her and I failed.
I've begun looking for a weekend job just to stay away from home as much as possible. Watering flowers at a greenhouse, maybe.
I went out with coworkers on Friday night and threw away $30 on pull tabs. I've been regretting it ever since. I'm glad I skipped the second bar stop and went home instead, though.
The 6% interest rate on my student loan is prompting me to get rid of it as soon as possible. It's amazing, watching the balance tick up every day, even with a relatively low starting balance. With that in mind, I'm not sure I'll return to grad school unless I can pay for it outright.
stress hives
May 7th, 2018 at 05:31 pm
May 7th, 2018 at 09:12 pm 1525727529
May 8th, 2018 at 02:02 am 1525744929
May 8th, 2018 at 11:54 am 1525780498
If you are beating yourself up, there are techniques known as "defusion" techniques that can help. They're from Acceptance and Committment Therapy (ACT), which suggests that when we are beating ourselves up, we are "fusing" with the belief, seeing it as true, when really we can't believe everything we think. Sometimes minds just spew out this nonsense. The book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris provides more detail and example techniques if you are interested.
Grieve and feel the pain of her loss, but don't wallow in the erroneous belief that things would likely have turned out differently "if only." The truth is that you can never know. Would your cat want you to be happy? I am sure that is so. Feel the pain of her loss, but don't get sucked into a negative vortex of depression because of her death.
Hugs.
May 8th, 2018 at 01:20 pm 1525785654
Have you donated all of your cat's belongings to a nearby shelter or your town's pound? I would do that, and maybe do something in your living space to provide a new focus so you don't dwell on what's missing. Like, I always wanted to start buying fresh cut flowers once Luther is gone. He would eat them now, but I will have them one day. Why? Just to treat myself to seeing fresh blooms in the house on a regular basis. Maybe there's something like that you can do. Even rearranging the furniture a bit can make a dramatically new look. Altering your surroundings may help you move on in that you won't be seeing constant reminders.
May 9th, 2018 at 03:39 pm 1525880340
Take care of yourself and stop thinking about what could have been. You did the best you could under the circumstances.
May 11th, 2018 at 02:36 am 1526006198